We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
