Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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