I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
