sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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