im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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