Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
