I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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