Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
