Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Say something about gay babies.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
