You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
