eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
