barbara walters just said penis...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
