i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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