Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
