I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
