dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
