i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
