Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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