Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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