I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
