dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
