That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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