woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
