my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I fill condoms, not promises.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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