Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
