So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
