i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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