Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
