mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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