it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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