So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Drunk is not a location!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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