There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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