I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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