Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
