I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
