Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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