So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
