Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
