It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
