Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
