Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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