You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
