Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
