he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm like, not good at living.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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