I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
