this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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