I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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