And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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