420 ftw
I can text with my tongue
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
