i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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