I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
