At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
