She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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