Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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