I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
