My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
